The Case Against “Should”

This year, I’m turning 50. Honestly, I’m still figuring out how I feel about it. But it’s certainly given me a chance to reflect on a lot of things—like how much time I’ve spent living according to other people’s expectations. In fact, according to this nifty website, I’ve been alive for 17,996 days. And in all that time, there’s one word I’d love to see disappear from every language: “should.”

Maybe that sounds a bit extreme. After all, it’s just a word, right? How much harm can one little word cause? But here’s the thing—the word “should” is often a sneaky villain. It’s not just a suggestion; it’s a judgment. It pushes us to measure up to someone else’s idea of success or happiness, leaving us feeling inadequate or trapped. When people tell us we “should” do something, they’re often imposing their own expectations without considering our unique circumstances, experiences, or desires.

Most of the time, people will tell you their unsolicited advice comes from a place of love. But what they’re really saying is, “You’re not capable of making your own decisions.” They want you to feel guilty for not meeting their standards, or they want you to live according to THEIR ideas of what’s best for you. It’s like they’re nudging you to follow a societal script, to do what everyone else is doing, regardless of what’s right for you. And in doing so, they often encourage unrealistic expectations while diminishing the need for empathy. It’s incredible how much damage one little word can do.

Here are just a few examples of the “shoulds” I’ve heard:

• You should go to the doctor. (Who gets to decide what’s best for my health?)
• You should pay someone to do that work. (Who decides how I spend my money?)
• You should call your father. (Who controls my to-do list?)
• You should help the family friend. (Who decides how I spend my time?)
• You should put your mother in a home. (Who decides what’s best for my mom?)
• You should buy a different car. (Who gets to choose how I get around?)
• You should get a degree to be successful. (Who defines success for me?)
• You should always be happy. (This sets an unrealistic expectation.)
• You should become a doctor like your parents. (Who gets to decide what career path will make me happy?)
• You should be married with two kids by now. (Who says there’s a timeline for my life?)
• You should be over it by now. (Who determines how long it takes to heal?)

Just a reminder—these are unsolicited suggestions. When advice is given without understanding the full picture, it’s not supportive. It’s imposing a one-size-fits-all solution. True empathy means recognizing that each of us is navigating a unique path with its own set of challenges, dreams, and timelines.

So let’s make 2025 the year we start letting go of “should”—and replace it with “can.” Instead of living under the weight of other people’s expectations, let’s choose to live authentically, guided by our own values and desires. Let’s focus on doing more of what sets our souls on fire and surround ourselves with people who support our journey.